Khan!!! The Musical! — COMPLETE LYRICS (Album Version)
Lyrics by Brent Black • Co-conceived by Alina Roth
WELCOME TO STARFLEET
HOLOACTORS:
Welcome to Starfleet, the fleet of the stars!
Like the navy if the navy took a boat—to Mars
We're armed to the teeth, but we're science-y too!
We only want to explore (on scientific expeditions)
But we're ready for war! (despite our very peaceful missions)
So mess with us, and it'll suck to be you!
Starfleet, baby! Starfleet, yeah!
But for all of our phasers, torpedoes and lasers,
You'll find we're remarkably sweet
In this utopian, socialist, relativistic, oddly militaristic,
Lowkey atheistic, both futuristic and anachronistic Starfleet!
The fleet of the stars!
But before you lead a crew across the galaxy,
You must graduate from Starfleet Academy
And the most futile trial a cadet will suffer through
Is the test you cannot pass, no matter what you do
It's called the Kobayashi Maru
THE KOBAYASHI MARU
DATA:
Our story begins back in the year 2285 in a starship bridge simulator where a cadet is about to take the unwinnable test, and what's it called again?
Why it's the Kobayashi, the Kobayashi, the Kobayashi Maru!
BRIDGE CREW:
What do you do? (What do you do?)
DATA:
Starfleet's own catch 22
BRIDGE CREW:
What do you do? What do you do?
DATA:
Now let's meet the teaching crew, roll call!
SULU:
I'm Sulu, how do? The pilot of the crew!
I also arm phasers if you need to "pew pew pew!"
UHURA:
Who's august and dignified?
OTHERS:
Uhura! Uhura!
SULU:
But don't get on her bad side
UHURA:
Me?
OTHERS:
Yes, you-ra
UHURA:
That’s right.
BONES:
You can call me "Bones." And damnit, I'm a doctor!
But I'm nursing an exam like a damn test proctor
OTHERS:
He's a doctor, not a proctor
SPOCK:
I am Spock.
SAAVIK:
I'm Saavik, a student, lieutenant class
A third year cadet sitting here with the brass
I want to do well on this test, but alas:
No one I know has been able to pass
Maybe I'll be the one who stays calm and sails right through it
OTHERS:
She won't
SAAVIK:
Maybe I am the one who has learned enough to do it
OTHERS:
She's not
SAAVIK:
I'm half-Vulcan, an interstellar Jekyll and Hyde
So I'm logical and cold, but I feel so much inside!
BONES:
Can we do what we’re here to do?
DATA:
Which is the Kobayashi, the Kobayashi, the Kobayashi Maru!
SPOCK:
Begin simulation.
SAAVIK:
Mister Sulu, set a parabolic course
SULU:
Course laid in, via section fifteen
UHURA:
Captain, I’m getting a distress call.
SAAVIK:
Open a channel. Onscreen.
DATA:
And their captain will be played by me.
DATA (AS KOBAYASHI MARU CAPTAIN):
Help! Our freighter is adrift in space, we need assistance!
Do you read me?
SAAVIK & UHURA:
Yes.
DATA (AS KOBAYASHI MARU CAPTAIN):
We could all be dead in an hour!
We struck a gravitic mine and lost all power
BRIDGE CREW:
No power, ooooh
SAAVIK:
Where are you?
DATA (AS KOBAYASHI MARU CAPTAIN):
Gamma Hydra, section ten, burning out our fuse up here alone!
SAAVIK:
Wait, Gamma Hydra, section ten...
SPOCK:
The Klingon Neutral Zone
BRIDGE CREW:
Klingon Neutral Zone!
SULU:
May I remind the captain that the Klingon Neutral Zone—
SAAVIK:
We're forbidden to enter, I'm well aware
DATA (AS KOBAYASHI MARU CAPTAIN):
Our personnel is flailing! Our life support is failing!
Is anybody there? Does anybody care?
SULU:
Is the captain prepared to violate a treaty?
SAAVIK:
Well–how big is your crew?
DATA (AS KOBAYASHI MARU CAPTAIN):
We’ve got two dozen crewmen.
SAAVIK:
Oh.
DATA (AS KOBAYASHI MARU CAPTAIN):
And three hundred Alfanian puppies!
BRIDGE CREW:
Captain, what will you do?
DATA:
As you might have guessed, this brutal test is about to take its toll
Three of those blips were Klingon ships on a routine guard patrol
They're charging weapons, they're closing fast
BRIDGE CREW:
And you've got no way out
DATA:
How do ya dance when ya got no chance?
That's what this whole thing is about!
SAAVIK:
Aw, come on!
BRIDGE CREW:
What do you do? (What do you do?)
SAAVIK:
Red alert!
DATA:
When it all comes down to you?
BRIDGE CREW:
What do you do? (What do you do?)
SAAVIK:
Battle stations!
DATA:
That's the Kobayashi Maru!
SAAVIK:
Raise shields!
UHURA:
Just like aging and death
BONES:
Or the curse of Macbeth
ALL:
No one ever beats the Kobayashi Maru!
SPOCK:
Nearly no one.
BRIDGE CREW:
What do you do? (What do you do?)
DATA:
A captain's nightmare coming true
SAAVIK:
What do I do?
BRIDGE CREW:
What do you do?
SAAVIK:
This isn’t fair!
DATA:
Well that's the Kobayashi Maru
SAAVIK:
Abandon ship!
BRIDGE CREW:
What do you do? (What do you do?)
DATA:
When they drop that other shoe?
BRIDGE CREW:
What do you do?
BRIDGE CREW & SAAVIK:
Ahhhhh!
DATA:
That's the Kobayashi Maru!
How do you face a snafu without a shred of a plan?
And what'll come of your crew when it all hits the fan?
You have to step to the ledge and look defeat in the eye
BRIDGE CREW:
You wanna live on the edge? You gotta learn how to die!
DATA:
And find out what you do when there's–
BRIDGE CREW:
Nothing you can do!
DATA:
That is the…
ALL BUT SAAVIK:
Kobayashi, the… Kobayashi, the… Kobayashi Maru!
DATA:
Come on, get saucy!
ALL BUT SAAVIK:
You can't be wishy washy with that kooky Kobayashi
Maru! Maru! Yeahhh!
YOUNG
KIRK:
My life has become a depressing, incessant bore
My new mission? To oldly go where old man has gone before
BONES:
Like a floundering, flabby old fart whose fling’s been flung?
KIRK:
Yes, thank you Bones.
But at night, in my dreams, I'm still back on the bridge…
And I'm young!
ENSEMBLE:
Flashback
KIRK:
Yeah! Just a sly pioneer of the final frontier, Earth year 2266
Sure, the sixties were fraught, but damn, I was hot!
And you bet that I got my kicks
We'd survey a planet and chart it and scan it,
And man, it got rough in so many ways
I'd ask Spock to apprise and then Bones would advise,
So I’d—do what I was gonna do anyways!
I was just a dreaming pup, but my heart was beaming—up!
James T. Kirk was the swingin'est captain who ever swung,
Oh, what I wouldn't give to be young!
Hey, Flashback Sulu: Warp speed, baby!
We discovered new worlds and new alien girls,
Any sector you've heard of, I've been to it!
My hair was all mine, my body was fine,
And all species of lady were into it!
Forging peace all around each new planet we found
Captains never beam down… but I would!
Then come back from the trip and relax on the ship
Safe in walls made of cardboard and plywood
With Uhura on the phones, Chekov, Sulu, Scotty, Spock, and—me!
FLASHBACK BONES:
Damnit, Jim!
KIRK:
There's no crew in the fleet who could beat those I voyaged among!
Oh, what I wouldn't give to be… young!
Ahh, so many adventures... exploring new systems, investigating anomalies… and that one time Spock's brain got stolen... that was weird.
Oh yeah, and the crew of the Botany Bay…
We rescued them, yes, but then, got in their way
They tried to take over the Enterprise,
But I cut their big guy right down to size
Oh, that planet we hastily stranded them on! And their leader…
What was his name… Keith? No, wait… Khan! That was his name, Khan. Whatever happened to that guy? Anyway…
I was young, debonair, sorta devil may care,
Squarely daring each catch-22,
Still, the risks that I took weren't for kicks or for looks,
But to save my ship and her crew!
Now the memories flood my brain
With futuristic sci-fi white guy pain
Are my winter years meant to be spent as a hero unsung?
Why can't I go back to then at warp eight point five
To those better days when I was really alive?
What I wouldn't give to be…young!
Aghh, my hip!
MY WRATH
CHEKOV:
It's Khan!!!
KHAN:
How do you do, I… live here.
And what brings you to this place? Wait, Chekov… is that you?
From the Enterprise crew? I never forget a face
CHEKOV:
Eh, ve took a wrong turn… vell, live and learn!
Ve'll just go–you seem busy
KHAN:
Right.
Just park it there. You ain't goin nowhere.
REDSHIRT:
Chekov, this guy: who is he?
KHAN:
Who am I? Who am I?! Okay, I’ll tell you:
On Earth, I was a prince, in the 90's–look it up.
The apex of an augmented race
But my ungrateful slaves stormed my fortress in waves
And they took all my stuff and they shot my sweet ass into space!
I drifted for years through the cosmos
With a flash-frozen tube for a bed
Till a real piece of work, one, Captain James Kirk
Marooned us and left us for dead!
CHEKOV:
You lie! You tried to murder him and he left you on a paradise!
KHAN:
This is that paradise!
I just barely survived because once we arrived
This planet withered to dust, oh yes!
Nearly half my people died, they were starved, poisoned, or fried
CHEKOV:
How?
KHAN:
Long story. Just trust. And now I want my sweet true vengeance!
HENCHPEOPLE:
Sweet true vengeance!
KHAN:
And I'll destroy whatever's in my path!
Our hope was getting dimmer but maybe you're a glimmer
So look out, James Kirk! 'Cause soon you're gonna feel my wrath!
Now then… you'll help us get away, but you'll need to obey
And slightly betray your Federation. Are you scared of me maybe?
Well you oughta be, baby. I see you tremble with trepid…
…dation.
I said I want my sweet true vengeance!
HENCHPEOPLE:
Sweet true vengeance!
KHAN:
And I could also really use a bath
HENCHPEOPLE:
He's pretty stinky!
KHAN:
For my restitution, I choose execution! So look out, James Kirk!
'Cause soon gonna feel my wrath! ...So, here's the deal:
HENCHPEOPLE:
Deal!
KHAN:
Meet the Ceti Eel
HENCHPEOPLE:
Eel!
KHAN:
This planet's last native creature
This thing killed my wife. Wrecked m'goddamn life!
But its offspring will be pleased to meet'chya!
So I drop them in here, they crawl into your ear
And the next thing you hear is––earsplitting!
Once they enter your brain, you'll be easy to train
REDSHIRT:
Chekov, what’ll we do?
KHAN:
My bidding!
Hit it! Hit it! I'll get my sweet true vengeance!
REDSHIRT & CHEKOV:
Ahhhhhhh
HENCHPEOPLE:
Yes, he's a genius and a psychopath
KHAN:
Both true.
Kirk left us all behind him but now I'll remind him
So heads up, Jimbo! Prepare for your own aftermath!
Oh honey, 'cause soon, you're gonna feel… my wrath!
SHIP OF DREAMS
ALL BUT SPOCK:
Enterprise! Enterprise! Enterprise!
SAAVIK:
This is my ship of dreams
PRESTON:
'Ow long I've dreamed of this day
KIRK:
She was my ship of dreams, but now I'm in the way
ALL BUT SPOCK:
She's not as roomy as her outside seems
But in spacedock, how she sparkles, how she gleams,
My ship of dreams
SCOTTY:
My curvy, sexy ship of dreams
SAAVIK:
Growing up on Planet Soprano, my half-Vulcan blood was reviled
They called me a mutt and a mezzo, I mean God,
I mean…
Goddddd, I was only a child!
But I heard of a half-Vulcan captain on a faraway Starfleet crew
If he made his way with that DNA,
Maybe I could be worth something too
If only he would say to me…
FANTASY SPOCK:
I hereby award you the Captain's Commendation.
SAAVIK:
Till then, I'll just dream of being a part of the team on this ship:
SAAVIK & UHURA:
My ship of dreams
ALL BUT SPOCK:
This is my ship of dreams
PRESTON:
It's hard to hide my utter glee
ALL BUT SPOCK:
This is my ship of dreams
SCOTTY:
But not half as hard as me!
ALL BUT SPOCK:
She may be duller in her color schemes
But there's beauty in her beiges, greys, and creams, my ship of dreams
SCOTTY:
My ship of strange, erotic dreams
PRESTON:
This is so much fun… God bless us, everyone!
There's just so much to touch and smell SNIFF and see
But if I stay at my post no matter what, Uncle might be proud of me
ALL BUT SPOCK & SCOTTY:
This is my ship of dreams
SCOTTY:
I'd have relations with this ship!
ALL BUT SPOCK & SCOTTY:
This is my ship of dreams
SCOTTY:
And start a real relation-ship!
ALL ONSTAGE BUT SPOCK & SCOTTY:
Tuggin' all our heartstrings with her tractor beams
ALL BUT SPOCK:
Just being here, I'm bursting at the seams!
SCOTTY:
I love you.
ALL BUT SPOCK:
Enterprise, my ship of dreams
THE HYPERCHANNEL RAG
CAROL:
Do you read me?
KHAN/CHEKOV:
Nice to meet you!
CAROL:
Uh–we've met, sir.
KHAN/CHEKOV:
Nice to greet you!
CAROL:
You seem different.
KHAN/CHEKOV:
I feel fine, ma'am.
CAROL:
You've got blood around your ear
KHAN/CHEKOV:
The better to hear you my dear, uh–nicked it on a pruning shear?
Uh–cut it shaving off my beard! Yehhh, that's it.
CAROL:
Where're ya headed?
KHAN/CHEKOV:
To your station
CAROL:
Wait, to where, now?
KHAN/CHEKOV:
Your location
CAROL:
Why, what happened?
KHAN/CHEKOV:
Vell, good news: ve scanned for life and there was none
So just go home, your job is done
(Spacelab crew cross talk)
CAROL:
Oh no no no no, no no no no no, nu, nu nu nu!
We weren't expecting you for three more months!
You must give us more time!
DAVID & LAB CREW:
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
DAVID:
Who in the hell do they think they are? The rotten – Starfleet – slime!
CAROL:
Can you hold off?
KHAN/CHEKOV:
Ve're on route now
CAROL:
Just a minute!
KHAN/CHEKOV:
Gotta scoot now
DAVID:
This is—madness!
KHAN/CHEKOV:
One last ting, though: please prepare the premises, ve're also
taking Genesis
(Spacelab crew cross talk)
CAROL:
Oh no no no no, no no no no no, no-oh-oh-oh!
This is not a toy for your torpedo bay, we've got more tests to do!
DAVID & LAB CREW:
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
KHAN/CHEKOV:
I have my orders.
DAVID:
Well who gave the order?
CAROL & LAB CREW:
Yeah! Who wants to screw us?
DAVID:
And dash all our progress?
CAROL:
And steal our plans and put us out of work?
KHAN/CHEKOV:
It was definitely …indubitably …unilaterally…
CAROL, DAVID, & LAB CREW:
Yeah?
KHAN/CHEKOV:
Admiral James T. Kirk!
CAROL, DAVID, & LAB CREW:
Freakin' Starfleet! Bunch of assholes!
KHAN/CHEKOV:
Just following orders
DAVID:
Kirk, that—bastard!
KHAN/CHEKOV:
Reliant out!
THE NEEDS OF THE MANY
SPOCK:
Kholtor. We meditate. Dator. Palikau. Esh-tor. A five, six, seven, eight…
Just take command.
KIRK:
I’m not gonna bend.
SPOCK:
Jim, I have been and shall always be your friend
And as your friend, I have a thought:
You're a captain to the core. And I am not.
So take command, it's the only logical thing to do
The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few
KIRK:
Well, that's an interesting way of looking at it, Spock. But do you remember when I was stranded in an ion storm on that explosive planet?
The whole place was about to blow,
And though I ordered you to leave me and go
You maintained an orbital track and you kept trying to beam me back
The needs of the many were to warp away, but you held back till I was okay
You say the many matter more than the few,
But sometimes the one just matters too
SPOCK:
Counterpoint:
KIRK:
Counterpoint.
SPOCK:
Think of it logically. Or, rather, sociobiologically:
There, the many were your leaderless crew
And the few, the one was their captain–you.
KIRK:
Spock–
SPOCK:
Jim, stop. Control your emotion. You should not have taken promotion.
Starship captaincy is by far, your first, best destiny
KIRK:
Tell me what you really think, Spock. Don't dance around the subject.
SPOCK:
Ah, yes. Humor… how hu-man.
KIRK:
The whole place was about to blow, and though I ordered you to leave me and go you maintained an orbital track and you kept trying to beam me back
The needs of the many were to warp away but you held back till I was okay
You say the many matter more than the few, but sometimes the one just matters too
SPOCK: (Simultaneously with Kirk's above 4 lines)
Jim, enough. You're insecure, clearly
Stop. Think: you miss command dearly
All these cadets are quite new and they need a leader like you
Jim, look: your life lacks balance
Why would you waste your talents?
Starship captaincy is by far your first, best destiny
(Dialogue break)
KIRK:
I would not presume to criticize such ironclad logic
SPOCK:
That is wise… when you're the last, best hope for the Enterprise.
So take command, who could ever lead her as well as you?
KIRK:
Alright, I’ll do it!
The needs of the many
SPOCK:
The needs of the many
BOTH:
The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few!
SPOCK:
The needs of the many
KIRK:
The needs of the many
BOTH:
The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few!
The needs of the few! The needs of the few!
KIRK:
Let’s keep this little chat between me and you.
HAVE I STILL GOT THE MAGIC?
SAAVIK:
What do we do, Sir?
SULU:
Sir?
UHURA:
Admiral?
(Dialogue)
KIRK:
Damn!
I used to live for a moment like this:
To face the abyss and give it a kiss
When the heat of the pan makes you perspire
And there's no way out but into the fire
Standoffs. Enemy squads. No time. Impossible odds.
With a trick up my sleeve, I'd win again! Though that was all back then…
KIRK'S CREW (AS “VOICE IN KIRK’S HEAD):
Now you're old
KIRK:
But have I still got the magic today?
KIRK'S CREW (AS “VOICE IN KIRK’S HEAD):
Still got it? Have you still got it?
KIRK:
Or has it simply rusted away?
KIRK'S CREW (AS “VOICE IN KIRK’S HEAD):
Still got it? Have you still got it?
KIRK:
I've got the highest rank and who else has my clout? Should I feel doubt?
SAAVIK:
He's coming about!
KIRK:
Now we're gonna find out!
Can I dodge the reaper?
KIRK'S CREW (AS “VOICE IN KIRK’S HEAD):
One last time?
KIRK:
Can I pull a fast one?
KIRK'S CREW (AS “VOICE IN KIRK’S HEAD):
Past your prime?
KIRK:
Will the skin of my teeth hold tight again?
Have I still got the magic I had back then?
KIRK'S CREW (AS “VOICE IN KIRK’S HEAD):
Have you still got the magic that you had back then?
KIRK:
I say, Khan: if it's me you want...
Take me, kill me. I don't care. But spare my crew, it's only fair
KHAN:
No tricks.
KIRK:
Tricks?
SAAVIK:
Tricks!
KIRK:
Shutup—No tricks, ha, ha, ha, ha…
I'll beam aboard, but only me.
And as for my crew you'll leave them be. Deal?
KHAN:
Hmm…
I'll kill you once you beam aboard, but first I'll need a wee bit more:
Give me all the records that exist regarding Project Genesis
KIRK:
Genesis?
KHAN:
Genesis.
SAAVIK:
Genesis!
KIRK:
Shh! What's Genesis?
KHAN:
Oh, you wanna play games?
KIRK:
What's Genesis?
KHAN:
Ugh, come now, James…
KIRK:
What's Genesis?
KHAN:
Shall I fire again?
KIRK:
Oh Genesis… well let's find it then.
(Dialogue break)
KIRK:
I used to live for a moment like this,
When things were amiss (but secretly bliss)
I'd take a breath, and just like that
Pull a last-minute miracle out of my hat
Ambushed; no escape. Made it out without a scrape
Pulled that stuff quite a lot when I was young and hot
KIRK'S CREW (AS “VOICE IN KIRK’S HEAD):
Now you're not
KIRK:
But have I still got the magic today?
KIRK'S CREW (AS “VOICE IN KIRK’S HEAD):
Still got it? Have you still got it?
KIRK:
'Cause if this hair were real, it'd be grey!
KIRK'S CREW (AS “VOICE IN KIRK’S HEAD):
Still got it? Have you still got it?
KIRK:
I wanted to be young again, to feel alive and spry, and now I do…
Do or die! Can I dodge the reaper?
KIRK'S CREW (AS “VOICE IN KIRK’S HEAD):
One last time?
KIRK:
Can I pull a fast one?
KIRK'S CREW (AS “VOICE IN KIRK’S HEAD):
Past your prime?
KIRK:
If I gotta go into the lion's den, I hope I still have the magic I had back then
KIRK'S CREW (AS “VOICE IN KIRK’S HEAD):
Hope you still have the magic that you had back then!
KIRK:
I say, Khan…
KHAN:
What?
KIRK:
We'll need a sec to boot the dash the bridge is smashed,
Our wi-fi's trashed. I want to help you, but give us a bit.
KHAN:
Forty-five seconds.
KIRK:
Shiiiiiiii– no power, weapons, speed, nada!
To coin a phrase, we're a space piñata
Spock, help: what do I do?
SPOCK:
He's read our handbook front to back
Every rule, regulation, and official fact
But over the years, you've acquired tools not mentioned in the rules
KIRK:
Keep nodding, as if I'm complying. Now Saavik, I'm counting on you:
Pull up Reliant's prefix code and we might just make it through–hurry.
SAAVIK:
Prefix code… prefix code...
SPOCK:
A backdoor hack?
KIRK:
It's all we've got.
SAAVIK:
Ready for decryption!
KIRK:
Give it a shot.
SPOCK:
Spock bop a loo bop a-Spock bam boom.
KHAN:
Admiral?
KIRK:
We’re finding it.
KHAN:
Tick... tock!
SAAVIK:
I don't understand
KIRK:
You have to learn the entire ship
SPOCK:
From stem to stern
KIRK:
The ins and outs
SPOCK:
Each and every quirk
KIRK:
Not just the rules, but
KIRK & SPOCK:
Why things work
KIRK:
Each Starfleet ship has a code to preempt
The very maneuver we're about to attempt
SPOCK:
Remote command is fully imbedded
KHAN:
Can you send it now?
KIRK:
Oh, you're 'bout to get it. Let's dodge that reaper!
KIRK'S CREW:
One last time
KIRK:
And pull a fast one?
CREW:
Past your prime
KIRK:
One final play to save this crew
Give it to ‘im, Spock
(Dialogue break)
KIRK:
The name's James T. Kirk, Starfleet, true blue
I beat the goddamn Kobayashi Maru
Khan, you fell for a switcheroo
'Cause I still got the magic and it's comin' for you
KIRK AND CREW:
Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!
PETER PRESTON'S SONG
PRESTON:
The light in me eyes, oh it's fadin'. But don't grieve, no, please, it's alright
For a short time, I crewed a real starship. So the light in this heart is bright
Me jiblets are jumbled, me spine is quite bent
But our mission of hope will live on…for one shining moment,
This boy boldly went where no one before had…
Gone are all fears about dyin', me whole life led up to this day
I'm done for, so don't let me keep you… but before I expire, let me say…
It's been a true honor COUGH to serve with you here COUGH
But I guess all good things have their ends
It's time for me literally final frontier, so live long and prosper, my f…
KIRK:
…Well, we should probably–
PRESTON:
Friends! Could you do me a favor? Just think of me–fondly–someday
Cadet Peter Preston, the dead guy! And now I'll get out of your…
W-w-w-w-w….
W-w-w-w-w-w….
Way.
SAAVIK'S THEME (REPRISE)
SAAVIK:
Maybe I'll be the one who will win that commendation
KIRK:
Saavik–
SAAVIK:
Maybe I'll be the one to win Spock's dead-eyed admiration
KIRK:
Lieutenant Saavik–
SAAVIK:
All my schoolmates maligned me for ever so long
But if I nail the dismount, I'll prove those bastards wrong!
BURIED ALIVE
KHAN:
Why spoil the fun and kill you? I've trapped you.
To leave you now will hurt you all the more
It's quite exquisite, yes, the way that you'll redress
All the things that you deserve to answer for
The sands of time get all up in your crack
They turn your years to ash and tears and never give them back
I'll leave you now as you long ago left me:
Abandoned on a lifeless rock with nowhere else to flee!
Buried alive … buried alive.
KIRK:
Oh yeah? Is that the best you've got? You think you're so tough?
Well, do your own dirty work for a change, my friend,
Or are you not man enough? After all this time, you retreat and disappear?
If you want true revenge, you'll have to come down here!
KHAN:
Ha! The sands of time, they don't reward the bold
As Klingons say, "Revenge Qapla', Qapla', Qa'-best served cold"
Enjoy your stay, now I'll say my "toodle-loo!"
You'll ache and wail and starve just as my people had to do
Buried alive … buried alive.
KIRK:
I am warning you, mon frère!
If you leave me here and go
How will you be sure I'm dead?
I might escape, you never know
If I do, I'll hunt you down
So, though you have Genesis
Vengeance you won't have
Unless you come down here and finish this
KHAN: (Simultaneously with Kirk's above section)
You won't just "die," you'll waste away
You won the first round, but I'll make you rue the day
The future that you might have known
Will wither on the vine
And vengeance shall be mine!
KHAN:
The sands of time! So constant and so cruel!
They take each man who dares to dream and make of him a fool!
So ding, dang, dong!–oh, do I hear your death knell chime?
You'll perish very slowly underneath those sands of time
Buried alive … buried alive!
KIRK AND CHORUS:
Khaaaan!!!
WHEN THE CHICKENS COME HOME
KIRK:
When you're blazing a trail in the captain's chair,
And you feel like you've earned every stripe
And you're young and you're hip and you've got great hair,
You can start to believe your own hype
I resolved countless outerspace conflicts, so many I guess I lost track
We would toast to my latest achievement,
Set a new course and never look back
Was I the greatest officer alive?
Or was that all just fan fiction I contrived?
When the chickens come home, you see what's really true
You thought your record was pristine… well, a "double dumbass" on you!
When the chickens come home, you messed up and there's no excuse
Its all your fault when the chickens come home to roost
(Dialogue break)
KIRK:
A stunning damsel with a wicked wit
CAROL:
An impish yet sensuous brute
KIRK:
You were kind and warm, but you had your grit
CAROL:
God, your triangle sideburns were cute
(Updated live version: “Your triangular sideburns were cute")
KIRK:
Your eyes, your lips, your other stuff… and smarter than me by a mile
I was brash, I was bold, I should'a pulled out
But we had something great for a while
You slowly faded out of sight and mind
CAROL:
So I never told you what you left…
KIRK & CAROL:
Behind!
CHICKENS:
Bok! Bok Bok Bohhhk! Bok!
KIRK:
When the chickens come home, you feel an ache from within
You meet the child you never knew, and see the life that could have been
When the chickens come home, it's more than a gal you once seduced
Gotta face your fear…
CAROL:
Guess I'll stand back here
KIRK:
When the chickens come home to roost
There's a man out there I haven't seen for fifteen years
And my memory of back then is just a blur
A man who hates my guts and wants me dead
And a son who wouldn't even care if I were
I'm so late in coming to my senses,
But there's no way to mend these fences
So this is what my recompense is
And I've just gotta suffer the… Khaaaan-sequences!
When the chickens come home, you see the mess you've made
And there's no way to atone for all the careless hands you played
I sorta killed Khan's wife… I'm half the kid's genome
The chickens can, but you can't ever go home
MY WRATH (REPRISE)
KHAN:
Years of hating that dipstick made me cruel and sadistic
A force of pure barbarity
But now that he's gone… how will I go on?
Be honest: am I too old for therapy?
JOACHIM:
Well–
KHAN:
It's such a bittersweet true vengeance
OTHERS:
Sweet true vengeance…
KHAN:
Although I do still really need a bath
OTHERS:
We know
KHAN:
My heart was full of hatred but now it's all deflat-red
So goodnight sweet prick, you finally felt my wrath
BOLDLY GO
UHURA:
Your trek across the stars didn't have a one-man crew
Seems like you forgot one thing:
SULU:
Uhh, we were there too.
UHURA:
Now the chips are down, time is up and your back's against the wall
SULU:
But feeling sorry for yourself won't change anything at all
UHURA:
When you can't back up
SULU:
And you can't slow down
UHURA:
And you can't slow up
BOTH:
And you can't back down,
UHURA:
Only thing to do is boldly…
SULU & UHURA:
Go!
You boldly went to strange new worlds back in your younger days
And you boldly broke the Prime Directive in–
CREW:
Sixty-seven ways!
SULU:
You boldly faked your death to save a Pon Farr-addled Spock
SPOCK:
Boldly shot an innocent life form
KIRK:
What?!
CREW:
The one made outta rock
KIRK:
Oh yeah.
BONES:
But if you'd never boldly gone, you wouldn't be the guy we rely upon
CREW:
So it's time to set a course and boldly go!
KIRK:
You know what, why don't you all just–
SULU:
No wait, we've got more!
You boldly knocked your ex up, now ya got a long-lost son
CREW:
Then you boldly tossed out Khan and now he's got you on the run
UHURA:
But through it all you boldly went,
And now you're Starfleet's main event
ALL BUT KIRK:
So it's time to set a course and boldly go!
KIRK:
If only I could boldly go back and fix things…
BONES / SPOCK
SULU & UHURA
BONES: You can't fix your past
SPOCK: You're only human
BONES: You hadn't learned…
SPOCK: What you now know
Can't fix your past!
You're only human
You hadn't learned
What you now know
KIRK:
But I can change!
SPOCK:
Indeed, you can.
KIRK:
And try to be better!
BONES:
That’s it, Jim!
KIRK:
So what are we waiting for?
Let's boldly go! I got faith in you!
OTHERS:
Faith so true!
KIRK:
Have faith in me!
OTHERS:
Oh, we do!
KIRK:
And if I didn't try, what kind of captain would I be?
So let's ride hell for leather, stay crafty, sharp and clever,
And boldly go–
ALL:
Together!
KIRK:
That’s the key! Dance break!
(Instrumental break)
ALL:
Sometimes when you boldly go, you boldly make a mess
KIRK:
And sometimes you feel boldly "no!"
ALL:
Butcha gotta say boldly yes!
UHURA:
'Cause if you never boldly go, there's so much you won't get to know
ALL:
So it's time to set a course and boldly go
We may harbor some remorse, but ya get back on that horse
UHURA:
You don't have to–
SULU:
“Use the Force”
UHURA:
–to make it so!
OTHERS:
No, no, no
UHURA:
Just don't forget Mister "one man crew":
ALL BUT KIRK:
We will be right here with you
KIRK:
Then let's bold…
OTHERS:
Bold…
KIRK:
Lyyyyyyy…
OTHERS:
Lyyyyyyy…
ALL:
Go!
BATTLESHIP
KHAN:
Hunting through a soupy fuschia haze
KIRK:
Unable to rely upon deflectors or displays
KHAN:
You could run off like a coward now and give your foe the slip
But what a shame when we could both take aim
In a classic game… of Battleship!
KIRK:
If that's the way you want it.
KHAN:
Oh, it is.
Let us begin, and may the best man–me–win
I shall give you the first turn, Admiral.
KIRK:
Uh… B9.
COMPUTER:
B9
JOACHIM:
Miss.
KIRK:
Damn.
KHAN:
Precious few have bested you, in fact I've yet to see one
COMPUTER:
C1
SPOCK:
Miss.
KIRK:
D5
COMPUTER:
D5
JOACHIM:
Miss.
KHAN:
Yes, precious few have bested you …and I cannot wait to be one
COMPUTER:
B1
SPOCK:
Miss.
KIRK:
I too…
COMPUTER:
I-2
JOACHIM:
Miss
KIRK:
…have work to do, to finally rid the galaxy of you
KHAN:
You've got so much pride, yet so few places left to hide
In fact... I only see two!
COMPUTER:
C2
SPOCK:
Miss
(Dialogue break)
KIRK:
H2
KHAN:
Gesundteit.
COMPUTER:
H2
JOACHIM:
Miss.
KHAN:
No longer do I need to wait, with every space I eliminate
Extrapolate, triangulate, so now comes the blow that seals your fate!
COMPUTER:
F8
SPOCK:
Hit!
KHAN:
Down goes Enterprise! Down goes Kirk!
Plus all your little space cadets, but hey, that's just a perk, ha!
Down goes Enterprise! Have a nice trip!
You shouldn't have messed with the very best… the king of Battleship!
KIRK:
Evasive maneuvers!
(Dialogue break)
KIRK:
J3
COMPUTER:
J3
JOACHIM:
Miss.
KHAN:
It's just not your day, is it?
KIRK:
Khan, with that augmented brain of yours, how is it so hard to understand…
I never meant to harm you, or kill the ones you loved
How could I have known what lay in store?
KHAN:
I could have forgiven, if you'd just come back to check
I could have found it in my heart, but that was…before!
COMPUTER:
B4
SPOCK:
Hit!
KHAN:
Down goes Enterprise! Down goes Kirk!
Damage to your lower stern, oh yeah, that oughta work
Down goes Enterprise! How the script has flipped
Because you messed with the very best…the king of Battleship!
(Dialogue break)
KHAN:
Ah, back for more, I see. And what pray tell, shall your next move be?
KIRK:
Pi, square root of two!
KHAN:
What?
JOACHIM:
Near miss!
KHAN:
Evasive!
KIRK:
Golden ratio, negative zero, plus-or-minus sign
JOACHIM:
Near miss!
KIRK:
Sigma!
KHAN:
What are you doing Kirk?
KIRK:
Ligma!
KHAN:
That won't possibly work!
KIRK:
Four-twenty sixty-nine!
KIRK'S CREW:
Nice.
(Dialogue break)
KHAN:
Joachim… my wife… my friends…
You're the reason they're all gone
But this is where it ends
God, how I hate you!
KIRK (Simultaneously with Khan's above section)
You could've told me how I wronged you
I could have tried to somehow make amends
But you're a danger to the galaxy itself
So this is where it ends
No more debate, you are through
COMPUTER:
A2
SPOCK:
Miss.
KIRK:
Goodbye, Khan.
U with an umlaut!
KHAN:
No!
KIRK:
Fortissimo!
KHAN:
No!
KIRK:
Clown emoji!
KHAN:
Nooooo!
KIRK:
Infinity!
ENSEMBLE:
Down
KHAN:
(In live version only) You sunk–
ENSEMBLE:
Goes
KHAN:
(In live version only) –my battleship!
ENSEMBLE:
Khan!
THE MAGIC WAS YOU / BURIED ALIVE (REPRISE)
SPOCK:
It was the only logical thing to do. You've still got the magic.
KIRK:
No, friend: the magic was you.
All of you.
KHAN:
Oh it's not over, Kirk…would that I could kill you in person… but if I cannot… then I shall put your fate in the hands of… Genesis!
The sands of time, they get you in the end
But if I'm going down then you'll be coming too, my friend
Now for hate's sake, I spit my final breath at thee, p'tooie!
We'll share a final resting place, devoured by the void of space
And smothered in her dark embrace together, you and me
Buried alive… buried a…-liiiive!
SPOCK'S BRAIN
SPOCK:
Any human would succumb to that much radiation
In under thirty seconds, not enough to fix the ship
But a Vulcan could withstand it for six hundred seconds
Enough to solve the problem, but it's a one-way trip
I never took the Kobayashi Maru
But I know what I would logically do
Many students…many friends…
And their needs outweigh the few… or the one.
(Dialogue break)
SPOCK:
Spock bop a loo bop…
A-Spock bam boom.
THE NEEDS OF THE MANY (REPRISE)
(Dialogue)
KIRK:
This can’t be the end.
SPOCK:
Jim, I have been and shall always be your friend
And as your friend, I have a thought:
Live long and prosper…for I cannot. No need to grieve…
BOTH:
It was the only logical thing to do
SPOCK:
The needs of the many… outweigh…
KIRK:
The needs of the…
KIRK:
No.
What’ll I do? What’ll I do?
YOUNG (REPRISE)
KIRK:
My most logical friend, being kind to the end,
Gave his life being loyal and true
Though I kept Khan at bay, at the end of the day,
Frosty Buns saved my ship and her crew
Sure, I thought I was brave, but Spock goes to the grave
The bravest of all of my crewmen
For of all of the souls that I've met, on the whole,
His was far and away the most …human
SAAVIK:
That's pretty space-ist, actually.
SCOTTY'S VOICE:
Fire in the hole!
BONES:
You know, he's not really gone…
ALL BUT KIRK:
If his memory still lives on
He'll live in our hearts for as long as his song is sung
BONES:
You alright, Jim? Feel like you're gonna make it?
KIRK:
I feel… I feel… young.
FINALE
DATA:
Spock … was … n't… dead for long!
ALL BUT SPOCK:
He died but not for long
That's why we're happy, not sappy and we're singin' this song
Spock wasn't dead for long! He's back and going strong!
And so… although it sort of undoes…
What the point of this was
His coffin had no nails!
And don't forget, that with his help we saved some whales!
So when he landed on the planet, he was quickly revived, because
(confused gibberish) …and now he's alive!
SAAVIK:
Yes, but… I was the one who saved his life, no doubt about it
I did what had to be done, he would have died–again–without it
Sure, it's icky, and awkward, and ethically grey,
But I sorta banged his clone
SAAVIK:
And that's why he's here today!
ALL BUT SAAVIK:
Anyway…
KIRK:
We pulled an epic heist
SULU:
Took a forbidden trip
UHURA:
Committed fraud
BONES:
Assault!
KIRK:
Sabotage!
UHURA:
And grand theft starship!
KIRK:
We went to meet with God, and I expressed some doubt
OTHERS:
On a less-exciting journey we don't talk about
KIRK:
But we moved on from that and solved a mystery
ALL:
We made peace with all the Klingons and made history!
KIRK:
So let's go thataway! Let's see what she's got!
Second star to the right! It was fun… oh my.
SULU:
No, it's…
SULU & UHURA:
”Ohhhh myyy.”
KIRK:
Ah, got it! Now let's take it home!
ALL BUT SPOCK:
Spock wasn't dead for long! He died but not for long
That's why we're happy, not sappy and we're singin' this song
Spock wasn't dead for long! He rejoined our throng, and so…
We made you watch him croak, like some sadistic joke
But just ignore the small details
'Cause Spock's return was great for sales!
And don't forget, that with his help we saved some…
PICARD'S VOICE:
On second thought Data, I think it might be "too much" after all.
ALL BUT KHAN:
Whales!
ALL BUT KHAN:
Khan!!!